A framework for love
My mathematical take on it
First, let’s distinguish between emotional and rational love, which are also independent of each other. Rational love is based on preferences and evidence. For instance, if Lily needs a friend to pep talk her every other day, have intellectual conversations, and watch romcoms with her frequently, then she might try to befriend Josh, who she has experience opening up about an anxiety attack, talking about religion, and watching legally blonde. There can also be different preferences for different friends: One for vulnerable conversations, one to hang out with frequently, one for gossip, and so on.
Now, let’s switch to emotions, where the fun part lies. Lily could also be attracted to the idea of being friends with Paulina because she’s popular in school. There might be internal psychological processes running in A’s mind, such as the association effect where we want to be around likable individuals so that we are also perceived positively by others. However, A is not consciously aware of these underlying effects and simply possesses a desire that’s hard to describe in words, so we’ll call this attraction, which is rare to come by in friendships, emotional love.
You can see where this is going. Let’s take it to the romantic sector now. Romantic rational attraction is a bit more complicated. It has everything that friendship does, plus a few dimensions of romantic preferences, ranging from monogamous — polyamory, openness — closeness, casual — committed, the relationship being a small component of their life — believing in the idea of two lovers sharing one life, and so forth. Everyone differs on these spectrums, which additionally aren’t necessarily constant. A person can transition from having a preference for monogamy preference because of cultural upbringing to desiring a polyamorous relationship after self-reflection and reading this article. Admittedly, it’s a mix of environment and personality that shapes our tastes.
To clarify, compatibility is not the same as similarity. A person who speaks a lot and loves to express their views is more compatible with someone who likes to listen and ask questions, rather than someone who also loves to talk. Now that we’ve spoken about rational compatibility, now’s the time for everyone’s favorite topic, emotional attraction in romance.
Remember feeling very attracted to someone you barely know? Fallen in love at first sight? Want to be with someone who hardly gives you attention? That’s what I would call emotional attraction in romance. Let’s see how it’s independent of rational compatibility. One can be very emotionally attracted to someone who’s objectively toxic for them, or someone can find their best friend very romantically compatible but have no emotional attraction towards them.
I’m flattered if you’re still reading, so, additionally, here’s my take on love at first sight if you’re interested. I believe it’s very emotional and physical. Suppose Rose comes across a guy Phil and finds him very physically attractive, then she’ll have a rose-tinted view of him. Even if Phil says something ordinary like “I really like the weather today,” A is more likely to interpret it as “Oh, I think so too! We’re so compatible!” rather than “oh, that’s such a boring statement,” which could’ve been her reaction if she had an unfavorable impression of B instead. Following up on this, being emotionally attracted to someone can easily bias your perception of rational compatibility.
So what do I think is the perfect mix? I’m still unsure. The following is my take so far: emotional attraction is unstable; it can change even if the person in reference stays the same. On the other hand, rational compatibility is crucial to ensure a healthy relationship and sustain it. Ideally, of course, it would be great to have both, but we aren’t living in a fairytale, right? I wish we had an answer to whether emotional feelings for someone can be cultivated because I would then prefer to be with someone rationally compatible with me and eventually develop feelings for them in the process to ensure a healthy relationship. But since we don’t have an answer, I don’t either.
What’s your take on this? What’s the best definition of love you’ve come across? Let me know in the comments!
